It's almost been a year now since I last saw my husband. One might think I'd get used to him not being around. One might think I'd continue on with my daily business until I saw him again. But this is not the case. Each day I grow more and more depressed, more lost without him. Chloe asks about her Daddy more and more. She talks about him a lot and says she likes his hugs and kisses best.
It's hard to write that without breaking down and crying. I still have no idea when we'll get a decision that will allow me to see my husband again. That will allow Chloe to see her Daddy again. And what makes me sick to my stomach is that the people dealing with our case couldn't care less. What makes me sick to my stomach is that there are so many families out there going through the same pain and suffering. And these people are American Citizen, born and raised on this land, who only want a good life for their families. I've talked to so many people who have been fighting this battle for years now. And now that Gary has been given a lifetime ban, rather than a 3 year ban, we could be in the same battle. If we're denied, Chloe and I would have to go back to Ireland to be with Gary. We couldn't appeal it and wait until another decision is made. If we do appeal it, we'd have to come up with yet another $585 and wait another few months. Plus flights back to Ireland. If we are approved, we have to come up with money for a flight over for Gary. The money requirement just never ends. Wheres that money tree??
I don't have much to report. The Consulate will not respond to Lois Capps, which is extremely frustrating. Our lawyer is fighting the fraud charge with the Department of State. Our I-601 waiver was received and processed on September 13, 2012. We were given a receipt notice and receipt number. That number allows us to "track" our case. It's just like the "tracking" we did in the beginning with the first form, the I-130. It just shows that your form was accepted and when the circle moves to the next phase, you're mailed information! It doesn't take you through any steps or shows any progress in between. So its, basically, starring at a circle that doesn't move for months. And when it finally moves, they process is over. Whats the point?! I guess it's nice to have the peace of mind that at least it was accepted and is being processed...or at least sitting in some huge pile waiting to be picked up and looked at. It's not a powerless feeling at all!
I saw a therapist last week. She didn't say what her credentials were, experience, nothing. She was...not the best, to put it lightly. So I've ended our time together and am put back on the waiting list. I've also arranged to meet with someone at Hospice. Not only am I trying and failing at coping with the loss of my grandma, I'm also attempting to cope with the loss of my marriage. Or, at least, what I knew of my marriage. Of course Gary and I are still married and in love. But we aren't able to see each other, hence the loss of what we had as a marriage. And that is very difficult to deal with on a minute by minute basis. I'm constantly having to hold back my tears and try to appear OK. I don't want to cry in front of Chloe. Then I wonder if maybe I should allow myself to cry in front of her. I don't want her to think it's OK to hold back your feelings. But I also don't want her to be sad that mama's sad. I go back and forth.
Chloe is doing well in preschool. Shes making friends very quickly. They're all boys, which I think is so funny. She loves playing soccer, fixing things with her tool box, playing with blocks and playing in the sand. And I love every last bit of it! I hate when parents try to push their little girls to wear pink and want to be a princess. If that's what Chloe wanted to do, I'd have no problem with that. I just allow her to be who she wants to be and have no judgement over her. Shes such a smart, funny and feisty little girl! The other day we were playing like we were driving a space shuttle. She kept pretending she was calling Daddy to bring us some gas. She'd pick up the water gun on her blow up space shuttle and say "DADDY! WE NEED SOME GAS!" And then say "OK, Daddy is bringing us gas." It was really cute.
So now we just wait. We wait for the decision of the waiver and wait for the decision from the Dept of State to see if they'll overturn the fraud charge. This whole process is just a huge, frustrating waiting game. That is, when they know where you're file is and are actually, kind of, doing something. I feel like we've been running a marathon this whole year and we're finally beginning to see the tape at the end that you burst through. But I'm running out of steam. And people are on the sidelines yelling for me to keep going, that we're almost there. But it's so hard. I should be happy that we're almost done. But I think I'm so run down, I can't feel happy to almost be done. Mainly because we could still be denied.
And so that's where we are. I'm going to school full time and loving it. But it is very overwhelming to have 4 classes, a 2 year old and Immigration issues coming up left, right and center. Also having to be a single mom involuntarily. To have to answer our daughter asking where her Daddy is. It's not fair and it's not right. But we keep powering on...Thankfully I have some really great friends who are really helping me get through this. And a husband that makes me smile and giggle, even when hes thousands of miles away.
Candance & Chloe
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